Alcoholic Behaviors:How to Identify Alcohol Addiction Patterns
There are some typical alcoholic behaviors despite the fact that someone who drinks often will work hard at masking the problem and staying undetected, similar to someone who is a closet overeater. It’s important to try to identify alcohol addictive patterns if you are wondering if a family member, friend or even yourself has a drinking problem.
One characteristic alcoholic behavior is that drinking becomes the primary response for dealing with stress from work, relationships, making decisions and inner pressure. When people don’t have an alcohol addiction and the pressure builds up there is a need to clear one’s head. This can go in a healthy direction such as going to the gym, taking a car ride, running or going to the movies. Other ways to cope can involve surfing the net, tv watching and video game playing.
However, a growing alcohol addiction will be demonstrated by the fact that the person isn’t finding enough relief in any of the above activities but turns to alcohol as a way to forget the inner pressures (albeit temporarily). The more socially acceptable forms of release just don’t do it for the person. Does this sound like yourself or someone you know? If a drink isn’t available classic alcoholic behaviors include getting extremely irritable that alcohol can’t be consumed and a short fuse. Instead of communicating about issues, denial becomes the approach of choice as well as blaming others. As the drinking increases, there is a need for more due to building up a higher tolerance. There are many who think they can be a functioning alcoholic and attend work, go to their kids’ sports games etc but often the dependency on alcohol increases and starts to tear apart one’s life.
There is a growing physical dependency so it’s not just a way to take the edge off daily anxiety. This can manifest as hand tremors, stomach problems or blackouts. Many think they can balance drinking with daily activities, but what happens is since more alcohol is needed to get the relief from stress, this doesn’t work. A lot of rationalization may occur by saying that having a few drinks is common and that many people do that. That is true for some people, but those people use other healthy means for stress reduction as well such as sports’ activities, family outings, creativity via the arts etc. An alcohol addiction pattern is one where there is a strong mental and physical dependency on alcohol as the relief and no other types of activities really hit the spot like drinking.
Alcoholic behaviors develop into being late for work, not meeting deadlines, poor concentration and less involvement with the family. Health problems can grow due to the fact that alcohol addiction often includes poor attention to nutrition and one’s meals. Due to the fact of trying to avoid any admission of a problem, eye contact is often lessened as well as genuine dialogues with friends and family members.
Sadly, when this problem really mushrooms there can be significant financial issues, drinking during the day, job loss and even the break up of one’s family. Shakes and dts can occur as well as hallucinations and paranoia. It’s important to not let things reach this point. Doing an intervention may work to get the person to open his or her eyes. Rehab treatment can be very effective depending on the person’s honesty and degree of motivation. Sometimes hitting bottom is the key to true self-reflection but stopping drinking at an earlier stage will prevent a lot of damage to one’s health, life circumstances and goals.
I am a x-girlfriend of an alcoholic. It’s fun and natural to go out dancing or enjoying socializing with others, but when you notice that your partner is literally throwing them down to get the evening started, a red flag goes up. The textbook roller-coaster ride and jekyll and hyde is “you better believe it true”. But, his charm, intelligence and warmth friendship, etc. are believeable as well. Then the devil says “you can’t have him, he’s mine”. Yep! And, that’s true, also. You cannot have him. It’s sad, but, when you do see a glimpse of the gentle sweet person you love, he is swiftly swallowed up by the devil and your relationship is dust! There is nothing you can do here you are not in control, nor will you be able to control this addiction to drag him out of the quick sand he is in. Better to continue your journey and fill your life with happiness. This man is a cave dweller and you are not. It is a boring and mundane life to spend your times in bars and everywhere alcohol is at knowing his compatibility lies in his friends who drink, the bar maid, fellow woman drinkers and the drink itself. You cannot get into this circle because you do not worship the bottle. Sorry. Move along. Happiness and Alcoholism do not make compatible bed partners.
Is typical alcoholic behavior to lie and manipulate? I am not sure if my girlfriend just drinks socially (a lot) or if she really has a severe problem. She says she doesn’t need a 30 day program but can do her own do it yourself rehab program. But I think she is more messed up then she admits because sometimes she’ll have a beer before meeting her sister on the weekend because they always argue.
I think alcoholic behaviour patterns are learned from our society. It is in so many shows, even soap operas. Even my dad drinks more than he should, but he won’t admit he has an abuse problem because he likes to think he’s in control of everything.
Yes, lying and manipulating are all part of an alcoholic’s behavoir. Please understand that try as you might, there is nothing you can do to help. The alcholoci must want to stop. I am realizing this myself…our family is being torn apart by beer….
I’m an ex girlfriend to someone that is an alcoholic.He claims he doesn’t have a problem but in reality he does.He can be a real sweet guy but when he gets half lit he turns into a monster.He looks to get that buzz feeling on every night.He was drunk for the last 4 nights in a row and calls me on the phone all drunk trying to start a fight.Loves to call women names such as sl**,who**,bitch you get the picture.Claims he loves me but treats me like crap so that isn’t love.Treats people with no respect at all.All he does in lie and manipulate people.I’ve been telling him he has a drinking problem but denies it.He lives with his parents and they all drink hell for that matter i think the whole neighborhood does so he has it around him all of the time.You cant help someone if they don’t help them self and he isn’t gonna get help.He lost a good friend but i don’t surround myself for the kind of treatment he has been giving me.I had to be the bigger person and walk away and let him do whatever he wants to do.I can’t take the mental abuse no more from him.He has hurt me more than he knows and just thinks it’s a joke.Some people you can help but others you can’t.He will never be happy in life unless he meets a drunk as a girlfriend but no normal girl with put up with his LIES and his mental abuse towards women.I love this person very much but there is nothing i can do to help him.
I was in a relationship with a guy who is much older than me. I started seeing him in college, and the relationship progressed, as my education fell apart. We eventually broke up because I became to see life in a different light, the monotony of drinking became boring and confusing. He continued to drink excessively, In fact it became worse. He is on his way to losing his livelihood and denies everything, he lies, he manipulates, he blames others for his mistakes, he has more health problems, for the most part he seems heartless, and I will be another woman raising one of his many children. I fear the child will never see their father or maybe not want to.
I’m in my third marriage, each one has been destroyed by alcohol. I hardly ever drink, maybe the odd glass of wine if I ever go out. Ironically I don’t go out very often. Living with an alcoholic not only stops them living, it also stops you and your children having a nice life. As a partner of an alcoholic you can become isolated, lonely and depressed, the rollercoaster is a nightmare. I love my husband so much and my first instinct is to stay and help him, I tried this twice before and I was the one that ended up in a psychiatric ward. This time I have to keep well for my children, it’s a choice we make as adults, do we put up with alcoholic behaviour and abuse or do we escape from it? Our children don’t have that choice so we have to make it for them. Last week I told my husband I can’t help him anymore, it’s not good timing just before christmas, but as anyone who lives with a drinker will know christmas is always miserable - there’s even more drink available!
I’m now filled with a huge sense of relief but also I feel so sad, I’m going to miss Dr Jekyll so much, will only get my strength by reminding myself of Mr Hyde, that’s when I know I’ve done the right thing.
Thank you all for sharing. I brought up my children in just that Jeckle/Hyde situation many years ago as drink turned my lovely intelligent husband into someone to fear, and at best survive.
There was no internet then so I honestly thought my problems were unique, and just soldiered on as best I could.
I finally got out,once the children had grown up and left home. As his health deteriorated I became his official carer until he died. This small step of moving out made it bearable, I finally had a life.
Sadly two out of my three grown up children are now showing exactly the same tendencies, but this time, while being there for them to an extent, I realise there is nothing I can do to help them.
I am so glad that your generation are looking after yourselves so much better than I did - and have the means of communicating with others.
Another glass please…
I got married a year ago to a woman who drinks wine daily. In hindsight, I looked the other way and didn’t truly evaluate the cycles. She befriends women who share the need to drink daily, frequents upscale wine bars, and socializes and gets to know anyone who drinks too much on a first name basis… It’s embarrassing to go into these places and every bartender knows her by name… She is fine until two of more glasses are consumed. And then things just get ugly. I often take the brunt of her mood swings - the insults and name calling would almost be amusing if they weren’t directed at me…
I’ve suggested to her not drink on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Sundays… but she gets very defensive and says that I’m trying to control her… But really I’m just trying to save our marriage…
Recently, she decided to go a week without drinking. It was the best week in our marriage so far. I could tell that she was in control of her life versus the wine being in control of her…And no insults… you begin to question your own character when you go under attack over and over. But after the week she celebrated and in no time was back to her daily routine. It’s a storm that brews and culminates like lightening over an erupting volcano. I know she’s trying and I hope she succeeds because this ship is listing, and I’m not sure I want to go down with her… so sad is the burden of alcoholism – for the one afflicted, and the one who loves her.
My marriage of over 10 years is now destroyed by BEER. I stopped drinking beer myself 3 years ago and I drink a glass of wine socially here and there. We use to drink beer together but I couldn’t continue with the beer drinking we were in college, then a young couple with no children. I was ready for a change after we had kids, got careers, and purchased a house. I am not perfect and he points out every flaw I have but his drinking is out of control. He has a new group of friends and he spends no time at home with the family anymore. He started clubbing alot with drinking women as he says he grew up with them and they are his friends. His new old friends has him hanging out untile 5:30am in morning coming in to start fights with me and waking the kids up, putting us out of the house, breaking things, neglecting household duties, like our lawn, minor home repairs, vechicle maintance, kids activities at school and sporting events. He comes in looking like he is a mad man I can see the Devil in him it is so scary. And when he misses he says it is my fault cause I did not tell him but, I have tried to wake him and he just gets angry and says mean thing to me. he makes promises he can’t keep. He has wrecked vehicles, DUI’s, had accidents at work and had affairs while he wasdrunk. U name it I think he has done it. The last straw for me was when our child was really ill on her death bed in the hospital he came in drunk and acting a fool at the hospital blaming things on me. He would just leave and come back drunk. I don’t understand why he can’t get the help he needs cause he is headed for distruction with his new old drinking buddies, our money is gone, things are just awful.He has threatened to kill himself, he told me he is going to drink himself to death.I pray for him and he will tell me pray all you want this is me. THis is who I am. Or text me messages like I am sorry I am sorry I turned out this way and Eat Shit and Die Bitch. But yet he still does it. He recently moved out cause he says he just can’t take me anymore. I asked what have done so bad to him all he says is that It is just me. what does that mean? What? I let him leave and glad he has don’t know how things will turn out but one day at a time for me. But I sleep better now he is gone we are not walking on eggshells anymore no one is afraid to laugh or do anything silly for fear of what he might say or do. It is peaceful. Scary to be alone but peaceful.
I have read these posts and many others. I very much feel a part of a large group, unfortunately, whom all understand the mental torment of living with an alcoholic spouse or the like. My wife of 13, nearly 14 years is a high functioning alcoholic. She keeps the house clean, looks after our children very well during the day, cooks, laundry etc. Those are the good things done, which I try to always see. However, come late afternoon, every single day, 1 to 1 1/2 bottles of wine later, I have a aggressive, angry, twisted person on my hands, with our 3 children in the house. The simple lies, denial, anger and rage after just a few drinks… there is no calmness left in my life with her around. My children feel it too, they have to walk on eggshells mostly as do I. I have begged her to go to a counselor with me, alone, whatever she likes, no, no and no… I have bought her books after gently, calmly discussing the possiblity that she might like to consumet too much,,, I do this to try to not point a finger, but the books go into the trash immediately. With an alcoholic, I learned over time, you cannot fix them, it’s not your problem, it’s theirs, they are broken, not you…Like some of the other people on this board, I have been hanging on, hoping for a change, every day, only to be met with disappointment, sadness and let down. I say to myself daily, is it better to leave her and get the kids away from her for a good portion of the time into a new home that I would make and show my children what a normal, calm, happy nice home should be, or,,,, do I stay and keep dealing with the junk and mental games of my wife who swears she has no problem. Many specialists and counselors have told me it’s better to move on with life, which I agree on,,, I just have a hard time dealing with not being in the house with my children for even 1 minute when i’m not working. I cook, clean, look after everything, my life is my children and work, nothing else… except staying out of my wifes way at night to avoid the shouting and angry fits. The more I keep my mouth shut, the more she yells at me. I refuse to argue in front of children.. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, but I think its time to move on and start a new home with my 3 children. I think it becomes black and white over time, you can stay and know what kind of “stuff” you will deal with, or you can move on and get away from that person which gives us a possible 2nd life to start over. No one can promise that doing such a move would cause the alcoholic to even hit rock bottom. An addiction specialist I went to consult with told me, if alcohol were to be invented and released today into the world, it would never get past a Food and Drug administration for the serious consequences and side effects caused by it. As it is said, the devils gin….I don’t wish this on anyone, I will pray and work hard with my children to teach them to be sooooo very careful in choosing a life partner.. Hind sight is 20/20,,, I should have listend to my father! Why can’t we always see what is right under our noses! Best of life and health to everyone…
I am glad I found this website. My boyfriend for 3 years just walked out on me,leaving me with almost 1200 in bills. For the last three years he has not had a steady job,odd jobs,and drank i would say maybe 18 some times more hours of the day,beer,wine and jagermeister. I was a widow and had a great marriage,so this behavior was so irratic I thought I was going crazy. The name calling really got to me,you never knew what kind of mood he would be in. When in a good mood, we had a lot of fun,I provided a nice home,new furniture, bought him clothes,spend money on groceries and going out. Let him use my car,and never said no when he took my car while drinking. Yes, I am a jerk,because I still love him,even though I have gone thru hell and back if he came back I would have open arms. This is a 63 year old,not a young man. He was married 3 times, with problems in the marriages all the time. i wanted to make it different and thought I could. I would love to communicate with anyone in this same situation for support. I even joined Al Anon.
I read this testimonies over and over just to make sure that I did everything to help the alcoholic with a better life. He did not want a nice life and although I tried more than one will ever know I let him walk,to a life living in his car,and lying like usual. One lie after another for no reason,why do they do this to themselves and others.
I can relate to so many of these testimonials. I was the husband of an alcoholic and it caused me so much unimaginable grief. We met in college and dated for 6 years before getting married in 2004. She got her first job as a lower-rung person in the advertising industry. I soon realized that this industry caters to a party-style environment of alcohol and client entertainment. She was soon drinking beer starting at 10am during the weekday from the company’s office keg! Once she got home she would down a 6 pack or a bottle of wine. This girl went from not drinking at all to becoming an overnight binge drinker within 6 months of us getting married.
Her drinking continued and after her nightly drinks she would become the nastiest person that I ever knew. She was very defensive to any requests to cut back on drinking and said she would kill me if I ever did an intervention.
In 2007 I was diagnosed with a large brain tumor - at the age of 30 - the doctors couldn’t say if I would survive the surgery. My wife was unphased and just continued to get drunk every day and night regardless of my pre-surgery nerves. This was when I told myself that if I survived this surgery then I would leave her and start a new life.
The surgery went amazing and I made a full recovery. I told my wife that I wanted a divorce about 8 months after my surgery. She seemed devistated but I knew this was not about her anymore. This was my life and I was done sacrificing it for someone that didn’t care about me at my worst time.
I am a lawyer so I handled the divorce very quickly without a lot of drama. I also took some time to get to know myself again. I had taken marriage very seriously and had always considered it to be an institution of what is best for “us” rather than just “me.” I had to learn how to put myself first again.
After about a year of being on my own, I met a very wonderful girl that was everything that I had ever hoped for in a person. We have been dating for about a year and a half at this point and things couldn’t be better. Having a brain tumor was a very scarey time in my life but it gave me a second oppurtunity at life. I now have a life that is better than I could have ever imagined. Starting over is not easy but it is better than sacrificing your life to an alcoholic that only cares about their next drink. I wish everyone the best and encourage you to give yourself the life you deserve.
Michael,
Thank you for the post. It is refreshing to read. I swear I will make the jump some day too. I just need my children to be a little older as I prefer to know they can handle themselves well if I am not around. I know life is absolutely not meant to be lived under the thumb of an alcoholic. It’s just so amazing to me how they cannot even see for 1 second what they are doing, even while sober… Best of luck.
CL
It has been really helpful for me to read this site. I was with an alcoholic for 18 years, and moved out two years ago. Thankfully there are no children. My self-esteem is trashed. The intimacy breakdown was the hardest thing to deal with. Now he is engaged to be remarried and is pushing to get the settlement done as quickly as possible. This is so very painful to watch and makes it even more difficult. His fiance is sending me nasty text messages - so very difficult. I wish I had left sooner but I felt badly about leaving. His organs are failing and he is only in his 40s.
His former wife left him calling him alcoholic. I met him after 30 years and excited to meet a best friend again after all of these years apart. Now both on our own– my intellectual friend was back in my life. he moved away for a job recently which makes for difficult relationship. He left me the first time for his former wife. now wants me join him in his new arena where he is much loved and applauded for his expertise in his work. I am employed and with two college daughters.
I have just returned from a visit. where he was helping me with some writing. a beer was cracked at noon, one and two. then dinner and wine.
I know I do not want to read the writing on the wall. there were two elements that are red flag ish. One his velocity of changing and plowing into my work. a force of energy that was hyper linked to wild man and bulldozing. The other rather different. his calling me his former wifes name during intimacy.
I am just worn out. but at the same time we travel and look at art and he would do anything for me. I am so puzzled. the name thing has helped me remove myself iand return to my single status. Is his ADD style akin to alcholism? He is highly functioning. but denies he drinks too much and confronted since his former accused and left him over that. argggh
Thank you for your posts - they have helped clarify my thoughts - that I must stay away from someone that I had fallen in love with. I have to realise that this person must recognise that they have a problem and be willing to tackle it. At first this man said that he liked the taste of drink and enjoyed the occasional one but that it was not a problem, however, having been around him yes there are ‘just’ the couple of beers in the pub but there is also wine and cider being drunk at home throughout the day. Arrangements to see me mostly get messed up by him yet he has several drinking buddies and he always manages to be on time for those arrangements. These meetings are often hidden by him, I’ve happened to see him going into local pubs with company when he has said he is doing ’shopping’ or ‘research’. He has been suffering quite extreme health problems but I don’t believe he has told his GP just how much drink is being consumed - his children need him to be well. If I express concern then he sees me as being his critical father and he turns on me verbally - I worry for his three children, he has them half the time. His moods have become erratic and unpredictable - he will text me to ring him, which I promptly do then get a ‘What do you want?’ response, or receive abusive texts followed by a suggestion of a holiday. Its been absolutely consuming and exhausting - very high maintenance. Whatever I do its not enough and I’m not being supported in what I want to do in life. He randomly stuck a fork in his sons leg when we were camping. He always blames everything on those around him, he never sees himself as creating a situation and never takes responsibility. There is a sense of unreality too - I made an urgent call to him when I became stranded, he was in the next town and although I got hold of him on his mobile phone and asked him to pick me up - he never arrived, I spent many hours waiting in a dangerous and distressing situation and had to get back another way - then he denied that he’d left me there! I had been a confident, happy person but the relationship really dragged me down. He is blurry over boundaries so at the point when we seemed happy (he said he was happy at that time) other women showed me that he had been showing interest in their profiles on a dating site, he had even done some of this on my computer - in his blurry world he doesn’t know why he did its not good for any relationship and makes me feel valueless. No matter what I do I cannot make this situation work - we have so much in common that we love doing but the sad reality is that it is all overshadowed by this other behaviour and his primary relationship - with alcohol - WHAT A WASTE.
Donna. I’m sympathize completely with you. I’m a 54 year old woman that came out of an abusive marriage and directly into an alcoholic marriage. I had no idea what alcoholism really was. I thought it was people who drank a little too much and drove. Boy have I learned differently. An alcoholic is trying to destroy him/herself. I’m sure there are underlying psychological problems but a psychiatrist can’t reach a drunk. You can’t argue, reason, shame or force a drunk to get sober. So a doctor can’t really treat them. My husband has gone to my psychiatrist (yeah, these last two years have driven me into madness) and he put him on something to curb the cravings for alcohol and a drunk for bipolar disease. My mother was bipolar and killed herself so I’m in definite agreement with the doctor’s diagnosis. My husband was laid off a year ago and just works for a temp agency who sends him out-of-town a month and then he won’t work for a month or so. He just left Sunday with new drugs in hand ($300 worth) and Sunday night was drunk and was drunk tonight when I talked to him on the phone. He denied it and of course said that me accusing him just made him want to rebel. It’s always someone else’s fault that they drink. They never take responsibility. They don’t know how. The more you badger, the more they drink. They will start a fight just to have a reason to drink. Call them names, they will call you names back but internally they are thinking, “She called me a drunk and I am a worthless drunk so I will drink until I don’t wake up.” My husband is 46 years old. He has been drinking his life into a ditch since he was 14 I found out AFTER falling in love. Once you fall in love with someone, it’s so hard to leave when you know how sick they are. But I’m working on getting the courage to leave. I had money saved and told him I was leaving the last time he was working out of town. He talked me into staying and of course $2K of mine is down the tubes for being weak and staying. If you have the financial means to get out, go. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it. I went to Al-Anon for 8 weeks. It just made him madder and me more desparate so I stopped going. I don’t want to go to dances and socialize with other alcoholics (recovering or not). I know they all slip - or I’ll rephrase that and say most slip. So I just want this crap away from me so badly it’s ridiculous. It’s not that I don’t love my husband. I see his heart occasionally. I just can’t keep my sanity in the roller coaster ride of a marriage to an alcoholic. They say those who are married to alcoholics need more help than the alcoholic. I have come to find that is a true statement. So, I give. I’m putting as much money away as I can. I’m physically unable to work other than my own business which is spotty at best but I have to get away from it. So, hopefully I can keep my cool, act like everything is okay and get the money back that he, “borrowed,” from me for all the things HE needed. Never a thought for things I need. We don’t cross their minds. Just the alcohol and the ridiculous roller coaster ride of, “If I had this or that it would keep me busy and I wouldn’t drink.” I wish I had all of that money back for motorcycles and all the equipment for motocross and Playstations and and and… It’s never ending and no amount of things they say will keep them busy will keep them from drinking. They want their cake and eat it too and the cake is bought and paid for by you. Just count it up. Mine drinks $600 a month at least in beer. He is a felon and has no driver’s license. That’s why he’s a felon. In Indiana, driving on a suspended license is a felony. And he wonders why he’s having a hard time getting work besides the fact that he has major skills and is a hard worker. If he’s not working, he’s drinking. If anyone who is reading this has small children, get them out. The, “disease,” is the exposure and trauma of living with an alcoholic and it creates alcoholics. Children do what they see. So get them away from the trauma. They deserve better lives whether we feel they are handling it or not. More than likely they are not. I’m sorry if that offends anyone. Every person who has older kids in Al-Anon that I met also had sons and daughters who were alcoholics or drug users. It’s apparent why. Bless everyone and keep yourselves safe. The barage of abuse is overwhelming and will destroy you if you stay. I know it’s destroying me. Good luck.
Everyone on here talks about leaving their loved one…how about trying to help?